Assume you have a broad forum site, and you want to find the comments on posts only on forums belonging to the logged in user. In rails, the object structure for this would typically look something like this:

class Forum
 has_many :posts
end

class Post
 belongs_to :forum
 has_many :comments
end

class Comment
 belongs_to :post
end

At this point, the first step in logic is to get the forums belonging to the current user. In rails 3.0, with arel, this is incredibly easy. It would look something like this:

class Forum
 def self.mine
  where(:user_id => User.current.id)
 end
end

I make one assumption in this code – that there is an authentication system in place, and User.current gets the currently logged in user. The line making a call to “where” is the arel magic – a relational algebra engine that builds up a data structure representing a query, without building the actual query or executing it, until the last possible moment (such as actually cycling through the records found).

So, how would we get the posts across all of the current user’s forums? Well, here’s the first, easy solution:

class Post
 def self.mine
  joins(:forum).where(:forum => { :user_id => User.current.id })
 end
end

However, there are two problems with this code. 1) It’s starting to get less readable, and 2) It violates DRY: the where clause is essentially an exact duplicate of the where clause from the Forum version of this filter. So how can we fix this? Here’s the second version I came up with:

class Forum
 def self.posts
  Post.joins(:forum) & scoped
 end
end

class Post
 def self.mine
  Forum.mine.posts
 end
end

Now the acrobatics are beginning. First, the new scoping method in the Forum class: what this does is it uses a Forum’s relations to filter out posts – so you get some set of forums, say, through Forum.mine… and then you use that relation to grab all of the associated posts. However, you can’t just do that out of the box – because the relation Forum.mine is grabbing from the forums table, you have to merge it *into* a relation that grabs from the Posts table, and use a join on the forum table to apply the filters correctly. (e.g. Get all posts that are in forums belonging to the current user: Forum.mine.posts becomes Post.joins(:forum) & Forum.mine (scoped grabs the current relation) – which becomes Post.joins(:forum).where(:forums => { :user_id => User.current.id }) – because the where was performed on the forums table.

Great. That works, and it’s clean, and there’s no repetition. But what happens when we go after the comments? Let’s try the same thing:

class Post
 def self.comments
  Comment.joins(:post) & scoped
 end
end

class Comment
 def self.mine
  Post.mine.comments
 end
end

This is the most DRY way to try the same solution. Except, it doesn’t work. What it eventually translates into is Comment.joins(:post).joins(:forum).where(:forum => { :user_id => User.current.id }). The problem here is that this tries to join both the posts AND the forums DIRECTLY to the comments table. Forums have to be joined THROUGH posts. The correct arel would be built by this:

Comment.joins(:post => :forum).where(:forum => { :user_id => User.current.id })

This tells rails that forums can only be found by looking at posts. So, how do we do this DRY style? This is the one that took me a while to figure out, but here is the solution I came up with:

class ActiveRecord::Base
 def self.query_association(klass)
  rel = klass.joins(self.name.to_sym => scoped.joins_values)
  joins = rel.joins_values
  rel = rel & scoped
  rel.joins_values = joins
  rel
 end
end

class Forum
 def self.posts
  query_association Post
 end
end

class Post
 def self.comments
  query_association Comment
 end
end

class Comment
 def self.mine
  Post.mine.comments
 end
end

What’s that? I extended ActiveRecord::Base? You’re damn right, I did. (Well, I haven’t tried this exact solution – you may have to pass in the scoped value. I realized the Base extension improvement while writing this post, and wrote a class method to do this, instead.) What happens here, step by step, is this: First, the joins are built correctly – any joins that were used in the original relation are scoped to go *through* the new join. Then, we save the generated relation’s joins. This is important, because when we do the final merge, the bad joins will be added in – we don’t want this. Next, we perform the real merge, and restore our original, valid joins. In effect this gives us the following telescope of the code:

Comment.mine
Post.mine.comments
Forum.mine.posts.comments
Forum.where(:user_id => User.current.id).posts.comments
Forum.where(:forums => { :user_id => User.current.id).posts.comments (This is functionally equivalent to the previous line)
Post.joins(:forum).where(:forums => { :user_id => User.current.id }).comments
Comment.joins(:post => :forum).where(:forums => { :user_id => User.current_id })

Success! And the best thing about this? It’s 100% recursively scalable. You can use it with a single association or with a monster hierarchy of the form A -> B -> C -> D -> E -> F -> … DRY, recursive, scalable. Now that’s what I call magic.

In this dream within a dream, I was participating in some kind of art contest. Each contestant was given a concept/theme which they had to make six pieces based around. These pieces would be situated on a black cube, one to a side, in chalk. And we only had five minutes to complete each piece. I forget what the theme was for the contest, but I was going with simple geometric shapes.

However, for some reason I couldn’t make any progress in my pieces, no matter how simple they were. And that’s when I realized: I wasn’t actually in the contest. I’d never made it there. When I’d gone to grab my art supplies, I’d grabbed a container with a toxic chemical in it.

I wasn’t actually in the contest, because this container had broken, and the chemical had knocked me out. While I was dreaming of losing this contest, in the real world I was convulsing and choking on my own vomit. I was completely aware of this in my dream, but couldn’t do anything about it.

And that’s when I woke up. And as I awoke, I heard a woman singing to me. I only caught a snippet of what she was singing to me, but it was a haunting melody, and moving lyrics: “I want to help you see how long you’ve been trapped inside of me.”

All of these questions, and more, raced through his mind as he let himself slowly gain consciousness. But one question came crashing through the rest, leaving his mind in a shambles: who was he?

He opened his eyes with a start. It took him a brief moment to regain his composure, but he determined not to be shaken by this gap in his memory. He was him. That was all that he needed to know, for now.

He lay on a hard, smooth surface, raised about four feet off the ground. As he shifted his body and sat up, a cloud of dust sent him into fits of coughing. Just how long had he been here?

His resting place was a small chamber of stone, with no obvious entrance or exit. In one wall, a crystaline window shimmered with light from outside. And next to it hung an axe, itself of black and silver crystal.

On pure instinct, the man rose from the slab & grabbed the axe. His body seemed on autopilot. He didn’t know why he was doing this… but he knew it was right. With all his might, he swung the axe, first chipping, then cracking the window. Within ten swings, he had breached the window, and a figid wind came howling into the chamber. Another twenty had the window gone, and much of the wall following it.

Not long after, the man took his first steps into the outside world. With a dull red sun shining down on his face, he looked out on a vast and empty ruins, long abandoned and buried in snow. He spent many days searching the ruins, with no sign of life anywhere. He had no thought for food, or water, or sleep – only the hunt for life, and answers. He had a purpose here, but what, he could not remember.

Weeks went by before he began to admit to himself that his answers would not be found here. Not only had he been asleep for who knew how long… but not another soul was to be found. He still did not know who he was, or how he came to be here. He had a purpose, but it was lost to him…

(More to come…)

I have a history of recurring dreams. Some are pretty standard. Some are incredibly, heart-wrenchingly poignant. Fortunately, none of them are nightmares. But, this one is certainly one that leaves me out of sorts when I awake…

There is a nameless city which I have visited thousands of times in my dreams. This city is as compact as a Japanese metropolis, and as sprawling as Dallas/Fort-Worth. It has suburbs, and boroughs. Havens of prosperity, and dens of iniquity. And, it distorts time and space. You could walk the same street a hundred times in your lifetime, and it would never take you the same place twice.

In this city, there’s a building. It has ten floors, with a two-story mall on the ground floor and an executive suite in the penthouse. The mall, itself, has many of the features of the city. It is a sprawling maze almost designed to get you lost. There’s a food court far larger than should fit in the building, and many interconnecting department stores and specialty stores. If any of you have read House of Leaves, some of the space-bending properties may seem familiar.

It’s unclear to me whether the building is part of the city, or if the city is what it is because the building infects it. Either way, this building is at the heart of it all. If I’ve been in the city thousands of times, I’ve been in this building – this mall – millions. Almost as though it were a conduit between my other dreams and their worlds.

Over time in my countless explorations of the mall, I began to find back paths and extra-dimensional shortcuts. I would turn a corner or take some stairs on one end of the building, and I would come out in a hall clear on the other side and on the same floor. M.C. Escher would be so proud. But one time, I took some stairs, and I found a basement, in a building with no basement. And so I explored. Vast, empty halls and rooms I explored. Until I found the elevators.

Now, there’s nothing strange about elevators in a ten story building. Except, I’d never seen them before. And upon inspection, these elevators had buttons for every floor – except the basement. Buttons, 1-10. In exactly one elevator, however, there was an additional button situated next to 10. It was a little, black, 12-point star with a light in the middle. It almost looked like the plastic cover for the button had come off at some time. This button, no matter how often I pressed it, did not do a thing.

Over time, I learned more about these elevators. They had always been there, but unless you knew where to look, you would walk right by them, none the wiser. Having no button for the basement, these elevators were impossible to discover unless you happened to stumble across the basement as I had.

To my great misfortune, these elevators were never intended for public use. I became a person of interest to the building’s security, and what had been a time of peaceful exploration quickly became a string of hurried chases, filled with anxiety. I found myself running down halls and using the many shortcuts and secrets I had learned to evade my would be captors.

Even during these frenetic chases, I continued to learn more of this building. At some point I had begun learning about the city outside, as I was learning of the building inside. And as had happened with security, the city’s law enforcement had begun a man hunt, as well. In my attempts to evade all of these pursuers, I eventually found back entrances to the building from the city outside. Some of these were even more elevators with a single, 12-point star button. This button, when pressed, would bring me to one of the department stores, close behind me and disappear, blending into the wood paneling without so much as a crack hinting at its existence. Over time, I came to use these elevators more and more, as the building’s security became aware of my tricks and blocked off many of my shortcuts. And then, one day, I finally discovered the purpose of the non-functional button in that basement elevator.

During one of my many chases, and in my haste, I hit a couple of buttons at the same time. Including the star. Up the elevator shot, all the way to the 10th floor. But, when it arrived, the doors did not open. Instead, one of the walls slid to the side, and I was blinded by a flash of light. I had found the heart of the building. What I still believe to be the secret center of this dream universe. I have since returned there countless times, and learned the logic behind the elevators. But, I am never allowed to recall what I saw or learned in that hidden room. I am fully aware of its existence, but not of its purpose. Every time I return to this room, the dream begins anew. Each time, I am a little more aware and a little more familiar. But, the cycle never ends.

The elevator’s logic, at this point, is likely an unimportant detail… but here it is.

They are, in all cases, normal elevators, except for a few details.

1. Having no button for the basement, the elevators cannot be used to reach that level. This makes the basement exceptionally difficult to reach, because its entrance moves as much as the rest of the building changes. It also makes the elevators difficult to use, as all entrances outside the basement level are exceptionally well concealed.
2. The star button is in one elevator, and one elevator only. Not including the secret entrances.
3. The star button will never work on any floor, except the basement.
4. The star button will never work if any button is pressed before it.
5. The star button will only work when pressed in conjunction with 10.
6. Once the star has been invoked, the elevator behaves as an uninterruptable express. It will not stop on any other floor, and no buttons will work until it has stopped.
7. There are no elevators on the 10th floor. Much as the secret elevators into the building, all of the elevators are one-way passages. The stairs back down do not provide any exits until you have reached the first floor. In this way, the building is like a big circuit, with the elevators taking you up, and the stairs taking you down.

This dream feels very muck like an evolution of one I had in college, where I was exploring a world between the walls of my school. It feels much the same, but where the college dream seemed dark and forboding, this one seems both more neutral… and more urgent.

This has already been both easier and harder than I expected it to be. Last night, as I went through my games, I kept finding myself making arguments why a game should stay… and I had to keep forcing myself to stick to my promise. The thing that made it easier, honestly, was the fact that I made my goal public. I told the world I would do this, so I owe it not only to myself, but to anybody who stumbles across my blog. A little bit irrational? Maybe. But, so far, it’s working.

Now, I know I own more games than are on this list. But many of them are back in Texas, with my family. Over one hundred original NES games, many Gameboy games, Gameboy Advance, PlayStation, SNES, N64… These, I cannot take care of, right now. I can ask my parents to do so for me, though.

I’m pretty sure there are still some games hiding out in my apartment, somewhere, too. I only say this because there are some games I know I own, but cannot find. If and when they turn up, they will be getting sold, immediately.

And, this list obviously does not include the games I’ve downloaded – on Xbox Live Arcade, Wii Shop, Steam, or from various indie developers online.

I also was forced to stare two particularly bad truths in the face, last night. One, I had multiple copies of several games lying around. And I couldn’t think of a single good reason why this was. And two: there are several games that are unopened, and far more that I never finished. Particularly in the last couple of years, I got in the habit of buying a few games at the same time. And often before I was finished with the games I was already playing. I was always looking for the next, newer, better game.

The next thing of note: when I was done sorting through the games, there were maybe five that had met my criteria. When I realized that, I had to take a step back and ask myself if that was worth holding on to. Sure, these games are of historical and cultural significance. But, would somebody’s life perspective really suffer from never experiencing these games? No. So I’m getting rid of them, as well. All of my games are going. This means the systems are, too. I can use my laptop to watch movies, and even hook it up to my TV & stereo. That removes my one last excuse for keeping a system. And I was making the excuse, believe me.

Now that that’s out of the way, on to the list. If anybody wants any of these games, let me know. I will wait a week, and whatever is not spoken for is going to a Game Stop, or – for a few very special games that have actually appreciated in value – on eBay. As games are spoken for, I will come back and mark them off, here. And without further ado…

• SNES
  • Chrono Trigger
  • Donkey Kong Country
  • Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest
  • Inindo: Way of the Ninja
  • Super Mario World
  • Uniracers
• N64
  • 007 Goldeneye
  • Banjo-Kazooie
  • Bomber Man 64
  • Chameleon Twist
  • Extreme-G
  • Hexen
  • Killer Instinct Gold
  • The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
  • Mario Kart 64
  • Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero
  • Mortal Kombat Trilogy
  • Paper Mario
  • Pilotwings 64
  • Quest 64
  • Shadowgate 64
  • Space Station Silicon Valley
  • Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire
  • Super Mario 64
  • Super Smash Bros.
  • Tetrisphere
  • Turok: Dinosaur Hunter
  • Yoshi’s Story
• Game Cube (These games will work on a Wii, as well – you just need a Game Cube controller)
  • Baten Kaitos: Eternal Wings and the Lost Ocean
  • Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles
  • The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time/The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time – Master Quest (Two game set) (This is a duplicate of the N64 game)
  • The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
  • Mario Kart: Double Dash!!
  • Megaman Network Transmission
  • Megaman X Command Mission
  • Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes
  • Metroid Prime
  • Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
  • Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
  • Starfox Adventures
  • Super Mario Sunshine
  • Super Smash Bros. Melee
• Wii
  • Avatar: The Last Airbender
  • The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
  • Mario Kart Wii
  • Metroid Prime 3: Corruption
  • Super Mario Galaxy
  • Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz
  • Super Paper Mario
  • Super Smash Bros. Brawl
  • Wii Sports
• Gameboy Advance
  • Final Fantasy IV Advance
  • Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories
• Nintendo DS
  • Advance Wars: Dual Strike
  • Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin
  • Dragon Quest Monsters: Joker
  • Dragon Quest V
  • Etrian Odyssey
  • Etrian Odyssey II
  • Final Fantasy III
  • The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
  • New Super Mario Bros.
  • Professor Layton and the Curious Village
  • Super Mario 64 DS (This is a duplicate of the N64 game)
• PlayStation
  • Blaster Master: Blasting Again
  • Breath of Fire III
  • Breath of Fire IV
  • Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
  • Dance Dance Revolution: Disney Mix
  • Dance Dance Revolution: Konamix
  • Dragon Warrior VII
  • Final Fantasy Anthology
  • Final Fantasy Tactics
  • Kagero: Deception II
  • Mega Man Legends
  • Warhammer: Shadow of the Horned Rat
  • Warhammer: Dark Omen
  • Xenogears
  • Xenogears (Yes, two copies of the exact same game)
• PlayStation 2
  • ATV Offroad Fury 2 (Unopened)
  • Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance
  • Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter
  • Burnout 2: Point of Impact
  • Burnout: Takedown
  • Burnout Revenge
  • Castlevania: Lament of Innocence
  • Champions of Norrath
  • Champions: Return to Arms
  • Dance Dance Revolution Extreme
  • Dark Cloud 2
  • DDRMax: Dance Dance Revolution
  • DDRMax 2: Dance Dance Revolution
  • Devil May Cry
  • Devil May Cry 2
  • Devil May Cry 3: Special Edition
  • Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII
  • Dot Hack: Infection
  • Final Fantasy X
  • Final Fantasy X-2
  • God of War
  • God of War II
  • Gran Turismo 3
  • Gran Turismo 4
  • Kingdom Hearts
  • Kingdom Hearts II
  • Lego Star Wars
  • Marvel vs. Capcom 2
  • Megaman X Collection
  • Megaman X-7
  • Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence
  • Odin Sphere
  • Okami
  • Onimusha 2
  • Shadow Hearts
  • Shadow Hearts: Covenant
  • Shadow Hearts: From the New World
  • Shadow of Destiny
  • Silent Hill 3
  • SoulCalibur III
  • Star Ocean: Till the End of Time
  • Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3
  • Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4
  • Wizardry: Tale of the Forsaken Land
  • X-Men Legends
  • X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocalypse (Unopened)
  • Xenosaga Episode I
  • Xenosaga Episode I Movie DVD (Just the cinematics from the game…)
  • Xenosaga Episode II
  • Xenosaga Episode III (Unopened)
• PSP
  • Archer Maclean’s Mercury
  • Dungeon Maker: Hunting Ground
  • Dungeons & Dragons Tactics
  • Dynasty Warriors
  • Final Fantasy
  • Final Fantasy II
  • Final Fantasy Tactics: War of the Lions (This is a duplicate of the PlayStation game)
  • Kingdom of Paradise
  • Lunar: Silver Star Harmony
  • Metal Gear AC!D
  • PoPoLoCrois
  • Ratchet & Clank: Size Matters
  • Rengoku: The Tower of Purgatory
  • Star Ocean: First Departure
• Xbox
  • Castlevania: Curse of Darkness
  • Dance Dance Revolution Ultramix
  • Dead or Alive 3
  • Fable
  • Fable: Limited Edition Bonus DVD (Unopened – just extras for Fable)
  • Forza Motorsport (Unopened)
  • Gunvalkyrie
  • Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance
  • Ninja Gaiden
  • Silent Hill 2: Restless Dreams
  • Silent Hill 4: The Room
  • SoulCalibur II
  • Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow
  • Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II
• Xbox 360
  • Assassin’s Creed
  • Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts
  • Batman: Arkham Asylum
  • Bayonetta
  • Bioshock
  • Bioshock 2
  • Blazing Angels: Squadrons of WWII
  • Blazing Angels 2: Secret Mission
  • Blue Dragon
  • Borderlands
  • Call of Duty 2
  • Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
  • Crackdown
  • Culdcept Saga
  • The Darkness
  • Darksiders
  • Devil May Cry 4
  • Dragon Age Origins
  • The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
  • Eternal Sonata
  • Fallout 3: Collector’s Edition w/ Lunchbox
  • Final Fantasy XIII
  • Gears of War
  • Guitar Hero II
  • Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock
  • Infinite Undiscovery
  • The Last Remnant
  • Lego Batman
  • Lego Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures/Kung Fu Panda (Two game set)
  • Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga
  • Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy
  • Lost Odyssey
  • Lost Planet: Extreme Condition
  • Mass Effect
  • Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe (Unopened)
  • Need for Speed Most Wanted
  • Ninety-Nine Nights
  • Overlord
  • Overlord II
  • Perfect Dark Zero: Limited Collector’s Edition
  • Project Gotham Racing 3
  • Rock Band
  • Rock Band 2
  • Sacred 2
  • Saints Row
  • SoulCalibur IV
  • Star Ocean: The Last Hope
  • Tales of Vesperia
  • Tomb Raider: Anniversary
  • Tomb Raider: Legend
  • Tomb Raider: Underworld
  • Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland
  • Too Human
  • Viva Piñata
• PC/Mac
  • Anachronox
  • Baldur’s Gate
  • Betrayal in Antara
  • Civilization: Call to Power
  • Civilization II
  • Civilization II: Test of Time
  • Civilization III
  • Civilization IV
  • Civilization IV: Warlords (Unopened)
  • Command & Conquer: Red Alert
  • Command & Conquer: Red Alert – The Aftermath
  • The Complete Encyclopedia of Games
  • Daggerfall
  • Descent II: The Vertigo Series
  • Diablo
  • Diablo II
  • Diablo II (A second copy of the exact same game. I’m positive I have a third, somewhere)
  • Driver: You Are the Wheelman
  • Fallout 2
  • Final Fantasy VII
  • The Forgotten Realms Archives
  • Frogger: Hop To It
  • Galactic Civilizations II: Gold Edition
  • Grand Theft Auto
  • Grand Theft Auto (A second copy)
  • Grand Theft Auto – Mission Pack #1: London 1969
  • Hellgate: London
  • Heroes of Might and Magic Compendium
  • Icewind Dale
  • Lands of Lore: The Throne of Chaos
  • Lands of Lore: Guardians of Destiny
  • Lode Runner^2
  • Lords of the Realm II
  • Magic: The Gathering
  • Magic: The Gathering – Duels of the Planeswalkers
  • Masters of Orion II: Battle at Antares
  • Mechwarrior 2: 31st Century Combat
  • Might and Magic VI: The Mandate of Heaven
  • Myst III: Exile
  • Neverwinter Nights Diamond
  • Pax Imperia: Eminent Domain
  • Privateer 2: The Darkening
  • Quake II
  • Quest for Glory V: Dragon Fire
  • Riven: The Sequel to Myst
  • Septerra Core
  • Siege of Avalon Anthology
  • Spore
  • Star Trek: Birth of the Federation
  • Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
  • Star Wars Dark Forces II: Jedi Knight
  • Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
  • Thief Gold
  • Tomb Raider
  • Tomb Raider II
  • The Ultimate RPG Archives
  • The Ultimate Wizardry Archives
  • Unreal
  • Warcraft II: Tides of Darkness
  • Warcraft II: Beyond the Dark Portal
  • Level Master for Warcraft II
  • Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos
  • Warhammer: Age of Reckoning
  • Warhammer: Dark Omen (Duplicate of the PlayStation game)
  • Warhammer: Mark of Chaos
  • Warhammer: Mark of Chaos – Battle March (Unopened)
  • Warhammer 40000: Dawn of War – Gold Edition
  • Warhammer Epic 40000: Final Liberation
  • Warlords III: Reign of Heroes
  • Wing Commander: The Kilrathi Saga
  • Wing Commander IV
  • Wizardry Nemesis
  • World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade

And there you have it.

It’s been a while. And boy is this a doozy for me to write. I’m about to make some admissions to the world. Admissions that I’ve only hinted at to most of the people I know in my life.

I’m purging my life.

Over the last couple of months, my life has taken some very interesting turns. It’s led to a re-examination of my priorities, and much of the clutter in my life. So, I’m purging it. Starting with my video games.

This is no small matter for me, either. I started playing games when I was 8. Maybe 3. First game I remember playing is a little number called “Dog Doo”, on a Tandy CRT. I played the hell out of that game, too. But now, it’s 22 years later. Or is it 27? I’m 30, and I’ve wasted – yes wasted – a vast majority of my life on these games. My collection of games and game systems amounts to thousands of dollars sunk into this… “hobby”.

A couple years ago, I finally admitted to myself. This was an addiction. No, it’s not drugs. Or alcohol. Or sex. Or any of the other stereotypical addictions. But it is an addiction, none the less. Tired? Play games. Lonely? Play games. Bored? Play games. Depressed? Play games. And the worst part? For a large portion of my childhood, my parents were my pushers. How can I blame them, though? They had no idea what would happen to me. They only knew I enjoyed them. And the games were largely intellectually stimulating. I had good taste, at least. No, I can’t blame my parents. The only person I have to blame is myself.

At some point, video games took over my life; they were unarguably an addiction. They were interfering with my job, my social life, and my ability to support myself. – Even when I tried to budget, I *refused* to set a limit on my spending for games. I made rationalizations to myself. And as hard as this is for me to admit, I lied to people about it.

When I first realized this, I was in the process of moving to a new apartment complex. I took the opportunity not to get internet in my apartment. I also swore off games for a month. I cheated once or twice. And at the end of the month, the first thing I did was sign up with Comcast.

About a year ago, I made the resolution to be social every day I could manage. It lasted about 3 months – one hundred some-odd days of being social. That’s impressive, in it’s own right. But the reason I stopped? Video games.

In the last few months, I have come to the realization that this is not a fight I can win when the source of my addiction is so readily available. I’ve moved in to a new apartment, and have gone two months without internet access. I have also begun to find real passions in my life, again.

I have begun playing guitar… you could call it my “anti-drug”.

I have begun writing down my dreams, at the suggestion of a good friend. And I’ve realized that they are the stuff of real stories. I will begin posting them, here – though the first few attempts will be utter balls.

I’ve been considering a return to graduate school – either for math, psychology, or computer science. I’m thinking about becoming an educator. That vocation resonates with my deepest soul.

So, I’ve finally admitted to myself. The games cannot keep a hold over me, if I wish to do the things in my life that truly matter to me. They are no longer a priority, and I need a concrete way to show myself that. I’m getting rid of my video games.

Here is the plan. I’m going home as soon as I finish this post. And I’m sifting through all my games. There are two criteria. If a game does not meet either, it goes.

1. It’s a party game. This includes Rock Band, and probably Mario Kart. And not much else.
2. It is a game of real artistic merit. Either a true influence on games that followed (Zelda), or one on a par with musical masterpieces or classic novels (a couple of the Final Fantasies fall into this category).

I estimate 99% of my collection will go.

So why not 100%? And what am I doing with the rest?

Not 100%, because unlike drugs, video games are not inherently addictive. I believe there’s a chance I will have kids one day. And some of these games are of cultural significance. It’s something they may have value in learning about and experiencing. The party games – well, it’s something social. Those, I could probably do away with.

What am I doing with the ones I’m keeping? My first thought is this: Buy a lock box of some sort. Put all of my remaining games in it, and give a good friend the key. The only time I’m allowed access is when I’m loaning a game out… or I’m planning or attending a social event where a social game would be a good activity.

The hardest part will be my laptop. Flash games abound on the internet. I don’t know of any way to remove that temptation. So all I can do is make a promise to myself – if I succumb, I will admit it, fully, openly, and to the world. And then I will begin my recovery again.

This is the unadulterated truth. I didn’t allow myself any concessions. Any excuses. I am an addict. And I am determined to change.

My greatest fear? That this could lose me some respect with peers, that it could cost me business, and that it could cost me the chance at some future relationships. The truth, though, is that the people who lose respect for me are not seeing the strength & conviction that this is taking for me to really open up about. Most should gain respect – assuming I can hold strong. And the relationships it could cost? Well, if I had kept this in, then what kind of relationships would those have been? If I lose business because of it… well, I can’t blame them. Nobody wants an addict working for them.

Tonight, I begin the purge. Tomorrow, I will post a list of the games I’m getting rid of – and anybody that wants them, can have them. I’d like compensation – this is 20 someodd years of my life and thousands of dollars of investment I’m talking about. But my absolute, number one, primary concern is to get rid of them.

The reason I’ve been so preoccupied is really very simple. I’ve taken on a few life experiments that have had the intended result of really changing my life up. Fortunately for me, all of the changes thus far have been for the better.

You see, I’m a big fan of “What if…?” I’m an even bigger fan of actually finding out. So I experiment with my life. I went for six months without internet in my apartment when I last moved, and I grew my hair out for a year, just to see how long I could get it before it either got hideous or bugged me too much. I just shaved it last night.

Right now, I have three experiments going on in my life. Here’s a brief rundown of them. In the near future, I hope to give you a more in depth look at how each of these experiments are turning out.

Sleep & Wakefulness: Biphasic Sleep

About 4 months ago, I started a sleep schedule commonly known as biphasic sleep. Essentially, it means I sleep twice a day, for anywhere from two to five hours each time. I get about six hours of sleep a day—sometimes more, sometimes less. Overall, this has been a phenomenal success.

I went into it expecting, well, nothing. I certainly wasn’t expecting to come out more alert, more productive, more responsible, or more energetic. But that is what happened.

This experiment is still going, and unless I come up with another hair-brained idea for sleep, it’s going to be around for a very long time. I don’t suggest this one for everyone, but if you have trouble with sleeping a “normal” schedule, you might want to check it out.

Social Life: 100% Social. Aim for the sky, knowing you’ll miss.

Starting January 1st this year, I made it my goal to do something social every day this year. Yes, that is a lofty and practically impossible goal. That’s exactly why I set the goal, knowing I would most likely not achieve it. Perfection wasn’t my aim here. I’ve already failed at 100%, but I’m still going at the experiment as though I haven’t.

My intention is to get out of my house, train myself to be better at meeting new people and making good first impressions, and just see what it’s like not to be a hermit. It’s now the beginning of March, and I’m currently at 53 out of 59 days of successful socializing. If I keep going at this rate, that is right around 9 out of every 10 days, which is better than most people achieve.

In this case, I’ve ended up with some very unexpected results. Most of my original aims haven’t come to light. But I have learned more about myself in the process. This one I most definitely *do* suggest people try out, in some variation. The results have been positively staggering.

Physical and Emotional Well Being: Krav Maga

This one is brand new. I only started the classes last Friday. Krav Maga, for those who don’t know, is an Israeli martial art designed during WW2 to be easy to learn, brutal, and effective. It’s not designed for tournaments, and it’s not designed with honor in mind. Krav Maga is pure, unadulterated survivalism. I decided to try this out for many reasons, both physical and emotional.

I’m not in great shape. I’m not even in good shape. In fact, I’m a fat-ass in a skinny man’s body. I’ve tried getting into various sports to shape up, but nothing has stuck. I’ve always enjoyed martial arts, but the tournament focus of the majority had turned me off. Krav Maga seems like a pretty good fit.

Emotionally, I’m a very shut down man. I keep as much anger or frustration as I can hidden from the world. With no outlet for these negative emotions, they eventually come out in fear, depression, and unexpected and inappropriate tears. I needed to find some outlet for these emotions, and the more internal outlets—such as working out in a gym, or writing—did no good. Martial arts are a socially acceptable outlet for some of the energy that I keep pent up, so I figured I would give it a shot.

I’ve only been to two classes so far, but I can say this much: No activity has left me actually enjoying being in pain or willing to endure the agony I feel after any real intensity of aerobic exercise. For once, I see it all as a challenge instead of a nuisance or an obstacle. That is a completely new experience for me. The only question is whether it’s a change in my outlook, or something about Krav Maga, itself.

So what’s next?

Those are my experiments right now. It’s been a very interesting four months, an even more interesting 2009, and it’s about to get even more interesting. In the coming weeks, I’ll write a little more in depth on each of my experiments: the road that led me to each of them, the benefits, and the drawbacks. And I’m already looking out for my next big experiment.

The other is an article I read about a man who treated his mugger to dinner. No kidding.

Besides the obvious crazy-man sensationalism of the story, why is this important to me? Because it exemplifies the reasons behind my being so honest and trusting. My honesty has ended relationships before (if honesty kills a relationship, it was already doomed), kept me out of jobs and insurance policies, and carried other minor nuisances.

But I refuse to give it up, even if some friends and family may tell me white lies are “good” for relationships. I really don’t believe any lie is good. I’m not just coming from a moral high ground here, either. I honestly believe that living with integrity has a practical purpose. The Golden Rule—treat others as you would like to be treated—can be selfish. I’ll tell you why.

I believe in something called subjective reality. What we think, and what we believe, has a solid impact on our own reality. Hold on, don’t run… I’m not talking about some new-age spiritual philosophy, here. I’m talking about psychology. There are many different aspects to this, but today, I’m going to focus on integrity.

What happens to your interactions with people when you lie? What happens when you begin a relationship on the grounds of mistrust? When you steal? When you cheat? What about when you bad-mouth somebody you hardly know? Think about what goes on in the other person’s mind. If you lie, then they will learn not to trust you. If you steal or cheat, it’s similar. Those are easy.

But what about if you just don’t trust people? This is where the psychology gets interesting. If you start out on a footing of mistrust, then what reason does the other person have to be honest to you other than their own integrity? There’s no trust for them to break. There’s nothing to lose. It’s a no-brainer that the less honest person will lie, cheat, and steal their way over your corpse to get what they want. But if you enter a relationship with a trusting attitude? Now there’s something to lose. There’s a cognitive reason for them to be honest, whether it’s your respect, your repeat business, or simply their own good reputation; and, in the end, there is your relationship to lose.

It’s a similar situation for gossiping and bad-mouthing. Not only will the mud slinger have dug themselves a hole if their gossip or slander is made public, but what kind of first impression does this make? I also wonder why people feel the need to do this. It may very well be a result of the mistrust above; their beliefs have now contributed to their actions, impacting the world and—in return—bringing their own beliefs true. That is the power of subjective reality.

If you want a real world example, I can bring in exhibit A—My dad. The man is as honest a person as I’ve met. He’s also where I learned the value of integrity. But he has one major problem: He doesn’t trust people. I’ve lost count of how many times he’s told me I’m too trusting. He’s told me that people will screw me over at the drop of the hat if I just give them the chance. But I’m not the one who’s been ripped off for thousands of dollars, screwed over by family members, and left with nothing coming out of business deals. Those are all results of my dad’s interactions with people, and his not giving them reason to maintain his trust. He has gotten a lot better over the years, and it can be seen in how much better his dealings with people have become.

Speaking of, how has this worked out for me? Well, let me start with my exact philosophy about trust. When I meet somebody, I take them at face value. I trust everything they say, at least until I can get a feel for their personality and tendency toward red flags like grand-standing and gossip. I’m not naive, and I’m not stupid. But I do like to believe that people are good by nature, until proven otherwise. White lies, I can forgive in others. Black ones are a zero tolerance policy. I uncover one, and the person is exiled from my world. No exceptions. I, in turn, try my best to live by this policy, and I am harsher on myself than on others. After all, what right do I have to hold others to a standard, if I’m not willing to live up to that standard, myself?

Even with the harsh penalty for a real deception, I have only had to truly exile a smattering of people in my life. One for sure, and there are one or two whose side of the story I would like to hear first. I haven’t ever been truly “taken,” when I wasn’t already willing to accept that risk. I am surrounded by love, and I have a lot to give. I have my walls, but trust is not one of them.

So you can judge for yourself. The psychology is there.

Don’t do it for my sake. Don’t do it for society’s. Do it for your own.

Be selfish. Be good.

They’re video games. They’re fun. But, the merits and failings of them are hardly world-changing topics. So, I’m going to try something a little more valuable. More valuable to me and, hopefully, more valuable to you.

At the risk of sounding arrogant (well, if the shoe fits…), I’m a smart guy. Really smart. And my mind never turns off. I think while I eat. I think in the shower. I think while I sleep. and sometimes I even think while… well, I’m trying to stop that last one—kinda kills the mood. But, I never tell anybody what I’m thinking. Nobody asks. (Well, isn’t that a lame excuse?)

So here I am. A mathematician, a musican, a thinker, and a creator. Philosophical, critical, and observant. As of today, this blog is an outlet for getting my view on topics: critical, often thought out, and—I’m told—frequently contrarian. Sometimes, they might even be intelligent.

I will be reading more blogs of friends, acquaintances, and generally interesting people; news articles, and any other topics of current interest. Anything that sparks an interesting monologue, I will share with you all.

This means the topics could range from music, to math, to video games. From science, to religion, politics, business. Life. Love. Death. Or how good my pancakes were this morning. If there’s a topic you want to hear me rant about, feel free to suggest one. I’ll do my research, and promise to give as informed an opinion as I can manage.

Welcome to Modern Sage.

Well, I recently got a chance to play around with the new Rock Band 2 drum kit, from Ion – makers of some real electric drum kits. You know, the kind actual drummers use? Yeah – awesome. And the Rock Band kit they made is just that. Everything feels more solid and responsive. The pads are um… padded, so the music in the game doesn’t get drowned out by your amazing drummer (keep telling him that – you need a drummer) flagellating the drums. The pads are individually adjustable for personal taste, and the kit includes two cymbals to use instead of pads for a more realistic experience. And I’m all about the realism. I’ve never played drums before – but I can play “…And Justice for All” on hard, so I must know what I’m talking about. Can you do that?

This kit is a fantastic setup. Even if it’s not a realistic experience (and I swear, it feels realistic), it makes for an amazing one. If you play Rock Band religiously, or want an experience, then the $300 price tag is well worth it to get this kit. If not, then you can always get the cheaper $80 toy that came with Rock Band 1. But if you’re going to do that, at least pay the extra ten bucks for a wireless set.